


Bedtime Stories

by CaptainLeBubbles



Series: Throwback Thursday [5]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Fairy Tale Retellings, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-23 06:03:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3757168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLeBubbles/pseuds/CaptainLeBubbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting Junior to bed is as easy as butchering a fairy tale and humiliating your friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Little Lightish-Red Battle Armor

**Author's Note:**

> What's this what's this? A Thursday Throwback being posted _on_ a Thursday?
> 
> This fic has the honor of being the first full fic I created for the RvB fandom four years ago. It's part of a series and I will be posting the rest as chapters to this one, but let's just do one at a time. Tags will be updated with each chapter.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of lightish red rookies, bedtime stories, and abominations. Also Church is a wolf, and is less than happy about it.

~-~-~   
  
"Junior, it's bedtime. Come on, get into bed."  
  
"Honk!"  
  
"Come on, Junior. You have to go to sleep. Don't you want to lie all cozy in your cozy bed?"  
  
"Honk!"  
  
"But if you don't go to sleep you'll be cranky later when Uncle Sarge and the other Red's come over to shoot at us tomorrow. Do you want that?"  
  
"Blarg."  
  
"Wait, I know what he wants! He wants to hear a story."  
  
"What? Oh, a story. Is that it, Junior? You want to hear a story?"  
  
"Blarg!"  
  
"And then you'll take a nap?"  
  
"Blarg."  
  
"Well, okay then. I guess that's okay. I'll tell you a story."  
  
"Blarghonk!"  
  
"Yaaay, story!"  
  
"Caboose, why are you still here?"  
  
"I want to hear the story too."  
  
"Blarg blarg blarg!"  
  
"....fine, he can stay.  
  
Okay, story. I don't really know any stories that are age-appropriate..."  
  
"So make one up!"  
  
"Make one up? I'm not good at that shit, man."  
  
"Honk."  
  
"Sorry, I'm not good at that stuff. Man, Doc was right about little pitchers. Okay, let's see what I can do. I know! This is a story called Little Pink Battle Armor."  
  
"It's not pink! It's lightish red!"  
  
"Wow, he heard that all the way at Red Base? He has good hearing. Okay, this is the story of Little Lightish-Red Battle Armor."  
  
~~~~  
  
"See, once there was this rookie called Little Lightish-Red Battle Armor. But most people just called him Donut, because that's too long. Unless they were mocking him, then they called him pink."  
  
"It's not pink! It's lightish red!"  
  
"Just shut up and get on with the story.  
  
One day, Donut decided to go to the other side of the canyon to visit his. Um. Well, anyway, he was going to the other side of the canyon. On the way there, though, he came across a Blue wolf.  
  
Named Church."  
  
"I just want you to know, I am not happy with this casting."  
  
"Church, why aren't you in costume?"  
  
"Because my costume is _stupid_?"  
  
"Oh, just wear it. It's for Junior."  
  
"Right, the abomination. Well, whatever makes him happy."  
  
"I'm detecting a hint of sarcasm, Church. Are you saying you don't want to make my kid happy?"  
  
"Yes. That is _exactly_ what I'm saying."  
  
"Just put the costume on."  
  
"Oh fine. But only so Caboose will stop giving me sadeyes inside his helmet."  
  
"Caboose, what are you doing here? You're not in the story yet."  
  
"Oops."  
  
"So Donut comes across this Blue wolf, right? And the wolf says..."  
  
"...."  
  
"..."  
  
"Say the line, Church."  
  
"No. I refuse."  
  
"Chuu-uuurch~"  
  
"Oh, _fine_.  
  
"Well, hello there, little dearie. And where are you off to on such a fine day?  
  
I hate you so fucking much, Tucker."  
  
"Blarg!"  
  
"You too, Abomination."  
  
"Anyway, the wolf said his thing, and then Donut said,"  
  
"Hello, Mr. Wolf. Could you please tell me where the store is?"  
  
"Are you fucking kidding me? Is that the story we're paralleling?"  
  
"Church, language. Junior doesn't understand words like fucking. And Caboose doesn't understand words like paralleling."  
  
"Argh!  
  
If anyone needs me, I'll be over there."  
  
"But you have a line here."  
  
"The road is under construction. Go the long way."  
  
"Are you sure it's healthy to grind your teeth that much?"  
  
"Just go!"  
  
"Of course, the road wasn't actually under construction, and in no time Church the Wolf had come to the store. There, he encountered, uh. The storekeeper. Caboose."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"Dude, where's Caboose? This is his part."  
  
"I am here I just had trouble getting into costume..."  
  
"Whatever, man. Anyway, Church encountered the storekeeper, Caboose."  
  
"Hi there how may I help you?  
  
Church, why are you pointing your gun at me AH CHURCH WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING ME?"  
  
"With Caboose out of the way, Church the Wolf donned the guise of being the storekeeper instead."  
  
"Does that mean I can finally take off these stupid ears?"  
  
"No, you have to put on Caboose's storekeeper cape."  
  
" _What_?! No. No _fucking_ way, man. I'm out. Get a new wolf for the abomination."  
  
"Honk blarg?"  
  
"Aw, you made him sad. Stop being so difficult, man. It's just a story."  
  
"Fine, but if any of the Red's see this..."  
  
"So the wolf named Church put on the storekeeper cape, and when Donut eventually made it to the store, it was him waiting instead of Caboose. Donut didn't immediately realize what was going on, but he was suspicious nonetheless."  
  
"Hi. Are you the storekeeper?"  
  
"Sure, why not?"  
  
"Well it's just I thought the storekeeper was regulation blue."  
  
"Really? And I thought Red's were supposed to be _red_."  
  
"It's not pink!"  
  
"It's pink."  
  
"You know if you're just going to insult me I'll take my business elsewhere."  
  
"Fine, whatever. See if I care. We haven't got anything to sell anyway."  
  
"Chu-urch! You're supposed to keep him around until you can shoot him."  
  
"Why can't I just shoot him now?"  
  
"Because... actually, no, that's a good point, go for it."  
  
"You know I don't really like where this story is going... AUGH WHY. WHY DID I COME OVER HERE?"  
  
"You're right Tucker, that was fun. We should totally do it more often."  
  
"Yeah. Okay. Um. I'm kinda stuck for an ending so, happily ever after?  
  
What did you think of the story, Junior? Junior?"  
  
"Hooooonk, blargblargblargblargblarg. Hooooonk, blargblargblargblargblarg."  
  
"Aww, he's so sweet when he's asleep. Right Caboose?"  
  
"Snooooore. Snoooooooooooore."  
  
"...him not so much. Sleep well, you two. Sweet dreams."  
  
~*~*~  
  
Tucker looked up to see Church leaning on the door frame.  
  
"How long have you been there?"  
  
"Long enough. Done putting your abomination of nature to bed yet?"  
  
"Yeah, he's asleep."  
  
"Good. Cause it's time to put me to bed."  
  
He growled wolfishly and smacked Tucker on the ass as he walked by. Tucker flipped him off, but nonetheless, it was Church's room, not his, that he entered. 


	2. Griflocks and the Three Dirty Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of animal crackers, molasses, and lightish-red teddies. Also, Caboose thinks he's a pervert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey-ho, hey-ho. Haven't really generated any content for a couple days so have a throwback.
> 
> No edits, I'm too lazy.

"Come on, little abomination of nature. Take a nap for Uncle Sarge, please? Otherwise you'll be cranky when your dad and the other Blue's come to rescue you later. Do you want that?"   
  
"Blarg!"   
  
"Sarge, I got this. Grif! I need you to get a blanket out of the cupboard, the softest one you can find. Simmons, go look in the pantry, on the top shelf in the row of freeze-dried broccoli and bring me the box in the very back; it's got some animal crackers in it."   
  
"I knew you were holding out on me!"   
  
"Blanket, Grif!"   
  
"Whatever."   
  
"Sarge, could you look in my room and get that lightish-red bear off the top shelf?"   
  
"All right, Pinkie-Pie, if it'll make that thing stop screaming and take a nap."   
  
"Great!"   
  
"All right, Donut, here's the blanket, here're the animal crackers, and Sarge is coming with your teddy now."   
  
"He's not my teddy, he's just a lightish-red stuffed bear that I happen to own."   
  
"Really."   
  
"Yes. I wouldn't give my teddy to anyone, let alone an alien baby with razor-sharp teeth."   
  
"Here you go, Lickety-Split. Here's your teddy."   
  
"Not my teddy. Okay, Junior, let's get you tucked in."   
  
"Hooooonk! Honk honk blarg honk blarg!"   
  
"What in Sam Hell? What's he want now? Why's he clinging to my leg?"   
  
"Ummm.... I know! He wants you to tell him a story!"   
  
"A story?"   
  
"Yeah, Sarge. You have to tell him a story or he'll freak out and not take a nap."   
  
"Quiet, dirtbag. A story, eh? Well, I guess I can manage that.   
  
Let's see... Okay, this is a story called Griflocks and the Three Dirty Blues."   
  
"Oh, wow, let me see if I can guess how this story is gonna end."   
  
"Blarg."   
  
"Did that thing just tell me to shut up?"   
  
"I think so."   
  
"Heheh. I like him already."   
  
~*~*~   
  
"Once upon a time, there was a little girly-girl named Griflocks. They called her that cause her name was Grif, and they wanted to insult her by giving her a stupid name."   
  
"I hate you so fucking much."   
  
"What was that, Private?"   
  
"I hate you so fucking much, _Sir_."   
  
"Oooh, language, Grif. Li-ttle pit-chers~ On a side-note, I am in _love_ with that dress."   
  
"Donut! Get outta the story!"   
  
"Yes, sir..."   
  
"Griflocks lived on one side of a box-canyon with a group called the Reds, and on the other side of the box canyon was a group called the Blues. One day, Griflocks decided to defy orders and go to the other side of the canyon to Blue Base, even though his very handsome and intelligent CO told him that he shouldn't."   
  
"Handsome and intelligent? Are we talking about the same CO here?"   
  
"Just get on with the skipping."   
  
"I am not skipping."   
  
"Skip, dammit, or I'll have Simmons kill you in your sleep."   
  
"He wouldn't."   
  
"Yes I would."   
  
"Kiss-ass."   
  
"Dumbass."   
  
"Would you quit your lollygagging and get to the skipping, dirtbag!"   
  
"Yeah, fine."   
  
"And don't forget the humming."   
  
"...so fucking much. Ahem.   
  
Laaaaaaaaaaaaalalalalala, lalalalalalalaaaa...   
  
This is humiliating."   
  
"That's the idea!   
  
At Blue base, there were three Blues."   
  
"Aren't there five? Those three idiots, and that girl, and Sister? And the tank and Doc. Is he a Blue? And I guess Grub here is a Blue, too."   
  
"At Blue base, there were _three Blues_. There was a cranky Blue, and perverted Blue, and a stupid Blue. Well, actually, they were all stupid, but this one was extra stupid. So he was the stupid Blue."   
  
"I object to being called cranky."   
  
"But you're always so cranky."   
  
"Yeah, but it's not exactly a defining characteristic."   
  
"No.. but it annoys you."   
  
"So if Church is cranky one, does that mean Tucker is the stupid one?"   
  
"Uh... yeah, buddy, that's exactly what it means."   
  
"I knew it! ....wait a minute, that means I am the perverted one. Well that is not very nice at all!"   
  
"That morning, the cranky Blue had made breakfast, but when they sat down to eat, it wasn't great. The cranky Blue's food was all lumpy. The perverted Blue's food was all sticky, kinda like molasses."   
  
"Molasses? Who even uses molasses anymore? That's so out-dated."   
  
"Would you quit your yapping and let me tell the story?   
  
Like I said, the perverted one's food was all thick and molassessy."   
  
"That's not even a word."   
  
"And the stupid one's food was just a big black chunk that was burnt completely through. Because their food was inedible, the Blue's decided to go to Red base and steal some of their food."   
  
"Why would we steal your food?"   
  
"Because we have Donut to cook for us."   
  
"....okay, yeah, that's totally a great reason. Guys, lessgo."   
  
"Yay, here I come Cadet Starcrunch!"   
  
"While the Blues were off attempting to raid Red base, Griflocks arrived at their abandoned base. He snuck in very poorly, but because they weren't there they didn't hear him. Inside, he went to the kitchen and found their food, but when he tasted it, he found out why they'd left it there.   
  
So he decided that since he was a lazy slacker, he'd take a nap! He went to the cranky Blue's room first, but the cot there was all hard and lumpy, just like his food. The next room, the perverted Blue's room, scared him so much that he was afraid to go in."   
  
"Yeah, I actually believe that. Hey Tucker, what's with your room, anyway?"   
  
"I share it with Junior. He's messy."   
  
"Blarg? Honk."   
  
"...okay, so I'm a little messy too."   
  
"But in the stupid Blue's room, he found that the bed was all snuggly and soft and comfy, so he settled down to take a nap."   
  
"Hey! Get out of my bed! ....wait a minute! I thought you said Tucker was the stupid Blue!"   
  
"While Griflocks was sleeping, the Blues were getting their asses kicked at Red base. They ran back to their own base with their tails between their legs. Inside, they found their food had been eaten, by someone not them."   
  
"Who cares? Maybe they'll get food poisoning. I'm gonna go take a nap."   
  
"Oh oh! Is it naptime already?"   
  
"Yeah, Caboose, it's naptime. Go to sleep and don't bother me."   
  
"Okay!"   
  
"When Caboose got to his room, he was surprised to find Griflocks there."   
  
"Now I will just go to bed and.... AHHH WHY IS THERE SOMEONE IN MY BED?"   
  
"Looks like someone's been in my bed too. And they made it up afterwards. What the hell, man? Who sneaks into someone's base just to make their bed and take a nap?"   
  
"Looks like a Red."   
  
"Griflocks woke when she heard the gun being cocked."   
  
"Oh shi- oh, never mind, it's just you."   
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"   
  
"I mean, I'm not worried if YOU'RE the one pointing a gun at me. In fact I think it's the safest I can be."   
  
"Oh oh! Can I keep him, Church? Pleeeeeeeeease? Please? Please please please? Pretty please, with sugar and sprinkles and cherries and cake and ice cream and bunnies and chocolate and Donut on top?"   
  
"Sounds like my cue!"   
  
"Get out of here, Donut. All right, Caboose, you can keep him, but you have to take good care of him. He has to be fed and watered and if he makes on the carpet, it's your responsibility to smack him for it."   
  
"Yaaaaay! I will call you George, and you will be mine, and I will love you, and hug you, and pet you, and squeeze you, and you will be mine."   
  
"Yeah, I'm just gonna go."   
  
"Wait! George! Come back!"   
  
"A few minutes later, Griflocks came running into the Red Base in a panic. Fortunately, Simmons, who was a much better soldier than him, took undeserved pity on him and shot the Blue chasing him, forcing him to retreat with his tail between his legs again. And they all lived happily ever after, except the Blues, who don't deserve to be happy anyway, and Griflocks... see above. The end."   
  
"That was the worst story ever. Of all time."   
  
"Well the little abomination seemed to like it. See?"   
  
"Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh, honkhonkhonkhonkhonk. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh, honkhonkhonkhonkhonk."   
  
"Aww, the little fella's kinda cute."   
  
"He really is. Can we keep him, Sarge?"   
  
"...Stop touching me, Cupcake."   
  
"Sorry."   
  
~*~*~   
  
Simmons followed Grif back to their room, awaiting the explosion.   
  
"I hate that story."   
  
"Yeah. I figured you'd say that."   
  
"But..." Simmons gasped as he was pressed against the wall, then grinned. "I like that ending. The part where you rescued me? I like that part." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read this the same day I post it, head over [here](http://piratewatchesrvb.tumblr.com/post/116846844984/piratewatchesrvb-having-a-little-trouble) and throw stuff at me re: Rollercoaster, cause I'm having trouble unsticking my brain for it.


End file.
